Old writing

Sometimes I like to read old things that I've written, it gives me a funny little feeling in my gut. Here's what I used to be. And its weird to look at things and see how I've changed.
Oh, I miss creativity class!

Write or Die Free Write November 3rd

"A man and a woman

are one

A man and a woman and a blackbird

are one."

-Wallace Stevens, "Thirteen Ways of Looking at a Blackbird.

I truly believe that this is true I and a man and an animal such as a blackbird are one. We are all animals wild and free in our souls we all belong out in the wilderness thought some of us are freer than others the blackbird picks at the garbage the liver of the mouse all kinds of carrion shiny onyx feathers cruel killing beak stark black eyes I pick at my dinner refusing to eat much lest I get too fat and become unattractive I pick at things slowly tearing them apart my life is bursting busting at the stitches like an overstuffed embroidered pillow on my future couch when I sit and watch pointless painful spasmic television for hours at a time and things have seized to matter yes I have a warped view of old age I am very young so very young and my blood is hot like that of a blackbird I want to only love and be happy in this life and not obsess over you but bring joy and receive joy I don't know if a blackbird has joy but the dream of human man and woman are one is to fly and the blackbird can do this are we envious we can do almost everything except fly are a man and a woman and a bird that flies really one yes in a sense I connect to animals I feel like I am an animal a bird or a frog or a grasshopper or maybe the autumn leaf that falls numbly from the tree and I can see that if it falls it does not matter if I fall it does not matter would anyone care it would not matter in the whole light or fire of time things would go on the blackbird also decays its body rots and things go on so what makes a man and a woman any different only our knowledge of it and that it causes us grief there is no other difference will we really go to paradise in the sky what if we made our lives like birds and were natural would our lives be any better would our pain just come from hunger and not a lack of money or stability in the job market or how many weights we can lift or our credit score or whether we shop a lot it makes me sick and want to vomit I want my pain to come from hunger and bleeding I see the naturalness underneath the artifice of the social things and in this way a man and a woman and a black bird are one.