The Politician Poem

A disgusting hot day
in Washington
(should be cooler in October)
and I've never felt more like
me
than right here.
I shut the curtains
and let my amber eyes,
marrow,
turn to liquid mint jelly on the mute
stifling
oak desk in front of me.
I chew on my red ball point pen,
Try to write policy.
It's the aloneness;
Unbearable-
Squeezing me past the point
Where my blood runs warm.
I need millions around me.
I know nothing more than
you or you or you
running amuck, chopped celery
celebrated as the garnish of the living.
I've found my way
With words, is all. Somehow out
Of the empty scratches
in my throat
Sentences formed and flowered like
root.
I clutch the Rice Crispy Squares
and orange lilies like little spades
that dig up grief.
My ball point pen drops.
I don't reach down on the floor
to get it.
My husband is dead, but
it's the you and you and you
Who I love.
I bite into a stale Rice Crispy Square
and inhale the smell of lilies.
No one ever comes in here.
Without knocking first.

The zoo

I always feel the same way when I go to the zoo. I get a sinking sense of humanity, especially when the chimpanzees stare at me from behind their glass habitat, which is a pretty small world for living beings to exist in. On the other hand, a lot of zoos are doing good work to rehabilitate these animals. I like that part. I just always kind of feel like a jerk. And baby elephants are always cute.
The Baltimore Zoo is interesting/okay. They make you walk a long, long pathway before you can actually see any animals. I wasn't sure that they actually had many, but it turns out to my relief that they did. You just have to hike a bit to get there. Since its Halloween there were tons and tons of kids in costume. Someday maybe I'll be one of those people pushing a stroller and pointing out the habits of the penguins to my own child. Joy. (?)

yaay videos?

I'm going to have to do a bit of last minute filming before class today. I'm not sure how this video is going to turn out but I've never made a video before in my life. That was my excuse for the website project as well, and that didn't turn out badly at all. i don't want to spend money to get more music and I don't know where to get free stuff, so I guess I'll have to use some music from iTunes that I already have, or some CD's lying around my boyfriend's apt. He does have some really crazy music. My video will probably be fifteen minutes long, I hope that's long enough to play around with it on iMovie.

Yay videos

For my video I decided that I'm going to film myself reading from poetry books and some of my own poetry, with some funky ironic techno music in the back. Hopefully it will get goofy. I need someone to film it (I think I know just the person.) I did a clip myself reading "Letters to a Young Poet" by Rilke and it was kind of boring, no animated voice or gestures. I'm just not comfortable filming random people who might not want to be in someone else's video. I'm not sure where I'm going to get music from. Maybe there are some free download websites where I can get hypnotic dance music and download part of the mp3. I might do some dance performance in the video, just for fun. : ) I might have three or four different clips of me reading, hopefully in different places wearing different outfits. I want one to be outside sitting on the steps of the porch. Yay videos!

Random writing

I'm not angry anymore;
not about any of it.
Blood clots on my cheeks
Purplish rage plum-colored
Driven forth
by the longing for silken sheets
and blonde braided hair.
I've calmed down in my old age.
If there were one thing
I wished for it would be
to find that peace
I never had
to find what I have lacked
and what has colored my whole
life; that missing element.
Letting my guard down,
becoming unfrozen in the face of others,
I need them all.

List 5

Eleven things I'd wish for if they'd come true:

No guilt.
To have an animal spirit.
Be able to eat more carbs without gaining weight.
My nails to not grow so they stay short. I have to cut them every four or five days.
Not to have to get gas for my car.
Not to have to pee every time I wake up.
To know just one thing from my future so I have a clue of what will happen.
World harmony.
To know my background so that I could tell what diseases I'm susceptible to.
No cruelty towards anyone.
Be able to speak Korean.

Old writing

Sometimes I like to read old things that I've written, it gives me a funny little feeling in my gut. Here's what I used to be. And its weird to look at things and see how I've changed.
Oh, I miss creativity class!

Write or Die Free Write November 3rd

"A man and a woman

are one

A man and a woman and a blackbird

are one."

-Wallace Stevens, "Thirteen Ways of Looking at a Blackbird.

I truly believe that this is true I and a man and an animal such as a blackbird are one. We are all animals wild and free in our souls we all belong out in the wilderness thought some of us are freer than others the blackbird picks at the garbage the liver of the mouse all kinds of carrion shiny onyx feathers cruel killing beak stark black eyes I pick at my dinner refusing to eat much lest I get too fat and become unattractive I pick at things slowly tearing them apart my life is bursting busting at the stitches like an overstuffed embroidered pillow on my future couch when I sit and watch pointless painful spasmic television for hours at a time and things have seized to matter yes I have a warped view of old age I am very young so very young and my blood is hot like that of a blackbird I want to only love and be happy in this life and not obsess over you but bring joy and receive joy I don't know if a blackbird has joy but the dream of human man and woman are one is to fly and the blackbird can do this are we envious we can do almost everything except fly are a man and a woman and a bird that flies really one yes in a sense I connect to animals I feel like I am an animal a bird or a frog or a grasshopper or maybe the autumn leaf that falls numbly from the tree and I can see that if it falls it does not matter if I fall it does not matter would anyone care it would not matter in the whole light or fire of time things would go on the blackbird also decays its body rots and things go on so what makes a man and a woman any different only our knowledge of it and that it causes us grief there is no other difference will we really go to paradise in the sky what if we made our lives like birds and were natural would our lives be any better would our pain just come from hunger and not a lack of money or stability in the job market or how many weights we can lift or our credit score or whether we shop a lot it makes me sick and want to vomit I want my pain to come from hunger and bleeding I see the naturalness underneath the artifice of the social things and in this way a man and a woman and a black bird are one.

a good morning

coffee love a kiss tasting of vaseline. . .could things get any better?

My life has become one
where I'm always in bed
even when I'm not.
My bones are syrup
and I like it that way,
I think to myself.
But I really don't.

I kick at stones and wait
for you to guess why
I haven't come back.
I'm tired of waiting, shouting
and guessing, thinking too
much about why this or that
happens or doesn't happen.
at the riddle I will never solve.
Maybe there's nothing to it,
maybe there is no answer
because there is no question-
maybe that's what I've
been trying to figure out
all this time
But I was afraid to face this
because I thought it would make me
less important.
My childhood tantrums are over,
I'm giving it up, I'm not mad anymore.
I know you can't understand what I mean,
but maybe you can.

List 4

Words that describe now:

Acceptance
Peace
Realization
Hope
Letting Go
Openness
Feelings
Change
Need
Expression
Forgiveness.

Writing Vs. Art

I decided a couple of years ago that I am not a visual artist, but I wish that I was. I often don't like what comes out of my paintbrush or my chalk. Sometimes I surprise myself but more often than not what comes out looks bad. I just don't know how to not judge it. Oh, I judge away. When I write something I don't like, I can say that I don't want to judge it and maybe it will turn into something. So its easier for me to be a writer (well maybe easy isn't the correct word) but less traumatic. I tried to be an artist for a few years but I was never satisfied with the results. Any tips for pulling the artist out? I know that she's in there but I don't know how to make her come out of hiding. I know that a lot of writers are skeptical about visual art and vice versa.

Strangely Calm

Well my e-pub project isn't quite done (and its due tomorrow) yet somehow I feel strangely calm. I know I don't really have time to go on a picnic with my boyfriend and his parents, but what the hell, its a nice day out and I'm sure it'll be great. I'll work on the project for an hour...then finish up any minor details tomorrow morning. Stress has eaten me alive before, and I'm doing this program for me. : )

Tips for saving money

Like a lot of people, i have trouble not overspending. I made up my own list of things that will hopefully help people to spend less money.

-Figure out why you want something-do you want it because other people have it or because you really like it?

-Stuff doesn't define who you are-even if you had only one outfit, your friends and family who love you, would still love you.

-In five, ten, and twenty years you won't remember that you wanted this stuff.

-It's okay to buy things if you want to. Just keep in mind the above before you do.

-Don't use your credit card very often. Take it out of your wallet and leave it at home in a safe place.

-Before going out, eat a meal or have a cup of coffee. If you're going to class or work, bring food and a drink with you so that you won't need to go to Starbucks or Subway.

-Balance is usually the best option. Complete deprivation doesn't work for me, nor does getting everything I want. But overall, the budget is the deciding factor.

-If you can't afford something right now, right it down on a wish list and see if you still want it later when you can afford it.

-I hope that I can follow my own advice here; this is as much for me as for anyone else. I'm getting better! : )

The internet

I was just starting to enjoy being online and do things like facebook, twitter, and blogging. I then heard the news story about Tyler Clementi who killed himself after his room mate posted him online having a sexual encounter with another man. I couldn't believe that this had happened and that people would do such a thing to a fellow student. Harassment and hate have become (or always have been) a dark side of human behavior and now it is becoming clear that the internet is the prime vehicle for it. Let's just think about what we put online and who will read or view it. Not that most people would do something so cruel, but we need to remember how many people will see whatever we put up. Even if it's something that's just a little bit mean, we should think about how it will affect other people. And also let's get in touch with ourselves and figure out the root of why we do these things to others-if we are unhappy let's try to fix it so we don't lash out at other people.

http://www.cnn.com/2010/CRIME/09/30/new.jersey.student.suicide/index.html?npt=NP1

http://www.cnn.com/2010/LIVING/10/04/youth.cyberbullying.abuse/index.html

List 3

Tights
High heels
Flood waters
Punctuation
Pendant
Tragedy


Avocado
Wings
Belief
Hope
Common Swift
Notebook
Ruby red

Every Day, Ordinary

He's an ordinary.
Still, something about him
shines.
He's milktoast, buttered toast,
but never toast with strawberry jelly.
He double knots his laces every time.
He struggles to control his light,
afraid that it might
cast shadow puppets on the wall.